New Year’s Eve is probably one of the most hyped up nights of the year. Yeah, I’m that kind of person. I genuinely don’t understand its appeal, apart from when you’re like 10 and staying up ‘til midnight is a massive deal. But when you’re sleeping pattern is as fucked as mine, midnight is no longer exciting.
I kind of understand the appeal of the idea of starting fresh – but I don’t understand why you’d have to wait ‘til the end of the calendar year. Why not start during the summer, in between school or college, or on a Monday morning with a new week ahead of you.
I used to have New Year’s resolutions like ‘keep a journal’ or ‘exercise x amount of times per week’, but these are things that I think everyone does and then mid-January, gives up on. So this year, my resolutions are going to be continuing things that I started recently enough, rather than choosing brand new things purely for the day that’s in it.
I will take more selfies
There’s a thing going around Tumblr at the moment where you post your top 2013 selfies. Mine pretty much only has photos from the latter half of 2013 because I only started actually taking selfies this summer – I only just gained the confidence to take photos of myself and not feel weird or ugly. That’s been a major turning point for me this year, and I’m hoping to keep it up next year.
I won’t omit pieces of myself for other people, particularly people I’m dating
This summer, my first proper serious relationship ended. And, in retrospect, it shouldn’t have lasted even that long. I was unhappy and the relationship and the guy weren’t good for me for the last almost a year of the time we were together.To him, ‘no’ meant ‘convince me’, and it seemed as if sex was just an automatic expectation of the relationship. I was already not in the best place mental health-wise, and the relationship didn’t help at all. But I was afraid to end it, because I thought that it would be worse to be alone. So I stayed with him and stayed miserable until we reached a breaking point and decided together that we should break up. And yeah, it was incredibly shit. But hindsight is 20:20 vision, and after a few weeks of being incredibly unhappy, I realised what a relief it was to be out of it. I realised that I was so much better off without him, that I could finally figure out who I was and could be happy, and that my happiness was not dependant on someone else, particularly someone who wasn’t all that good for me.
A few months ago, I started dating someone who seemed really great. But then, a couple of weeks ago, I realised that I was either being ignored or forgotten about. And a huge part of me wanted to just stay the course and believe that he’ll text me back, because I liked him and there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to be alone. But another part of me knew that, like the previous relationship, I deserved better than this. I liked him, but I needed to like me more.
So I’m going to continue this in 2014. I’m not going to put up with being treated badly by someone because I’m afraid of being alone. Because a) I’m not alone, I have wonderful friends who have supported me during both these shitty experiences, and b) I do deserve better. That took a long time to realise and believe, and it’s something important to continue.
Do more (original) art and writing
This blog (in a different place) started this summer. I’d always been meaning to blog, but I felt that I wasn’t particularly good at it. And then I just thought, fuck it, even if I’m the only one who ever goes onto it at least I’m doing something, I’m practicing, and it’s therapeutic. It’s the same with my art really. I know I’m not the best, far from it, but I am proud of a lot of the things I’ve done, and I have gotten a lot better over the last few months, particularly drawing from imagination and not copying other’s work.
Take off make up every night
Yeah, OK, this is an incredibly boring one, but I get so damn lazy sometimes, so it needs to be on this list. Plus, I can’t always be insightful 100% of the time, there needs to be some element of practicality.
Treat myself with kindness
The last year has probably been the most eventful year for me. I went through a lot of shit, and there’s a lot of stuff I’m still dealing with. My mental health and body image suffered quite badly, particularly during the first half of the year. But as I’m writing this, I’m at my highest consistent weight for a long time, and I’m mostly alright with that. I can genuinely say that I’m happy, despite everything the last month has thrown at me. Having spent the summer unable or unwilling to even get out of bed, I’ve come a long way. And a lot of that is because I started treating myself with kindness.
We all are too hard on ourselves at times, and we’re definitely our own worst critics. So it’s important to be able to step back and say ‘you did something great today’. Small victories and accomplishments don’t seem like much, but acknowledging them makes you feel less disappointed in yourself. You may even start to be proud of yourself.
This time last year I got a big jar and during the next 12 months, I filled it with small things that happened – good days, happy times with friends, accomplishments, good news, etc. This morning I tipped all the bits of paper out and looked back over the year that I’ve had. Parts of it have definitely been shit, and a lot of it wasn’t easy. But I have a lot of good times to remember too. I met some amazing people, I remembered how truly wonderful my friends are, I looked after myself better than I ever have. I learned from my mistakes and figured out who I am as a person, or at least got a bit of a better idea that I had before. All things considered, I had a good 2013. And I’m determined to have an even better 2014.